Do you believe it is possible to hold two diametrically opposing views at the same time? ….to hold two completely opposite faiths in your heart?

I do believe it is possible…….because I do know both of these.

I believe we decide our own destiny.
I believe that God guides our steps.

I believe in reincarnation.
I believe in salvation through grace.

The reason I can do this is because I have a daughter.
I have never been pregnant and yet I have a daughter.

She is mine. I would give my life for her.
I knew when they called and told me they had a new baby girl for us that she had found me.

I believe God sent her to me.
And I believe her soul found a way to find mine.

She has a magnificent soul…..and it is an Old Soul.
I wish I was half the woman she has turned out to be.

I don’t know if she even knows these things. Oh, she knows I love her. I tell her almost every time I talk to her.

Here she is as Mary in the Church Christmas pageant. She seems rather dubious about playing this role perhaps because it was a bit part with no words. She wanted a starring role I think.






Not that she was an angel growing up. Oh no, she broke my heart a few times. We argued about everything from clothes, hair style, eye shadow, to picking up her messes, spending money, boyfriends, etc. just like every other mother of a daughter, I imagine. She was a wild one there for awhile.

But she’s a woman now and a fine one. A bossy one….one who knows her own mind and stubbornly sticks to it. But, then she’s my daughter….my image. She won’t like to read that, I’m sure. But it’s inescapable. It just seeps out in daughters and there’s not much she can do about it. Well, yes, some daughters do renounce their mothers and strive to be just the opposite. And that’s sad for both of them. I see and hear my own mother in myself constantly, especially now that I’ve reached a certain age (which shall remain nameless, of course) and I actually feel closer to her when it happens.

My daughter helped me change my life….made me realize what I was doing and how I was thinking. I had no idea I was full of anger, but she told me it was there. Of course, that just made me even angrier…at the time. It took years, but gradually I realized that she was right. I WAS angry. My mother was usually angry. I came from a troubled home. Loving but troubled.

And I decided I didn’t want to live that way any more. I used to say “people don’t change” but we CAN change….it takes a long time and a lot of introspection, but we can change. I’ve done more in the last five years of my life than all the years before. Things I always wanted to do. Things that make me happy. Maybe it’s the new millennium, maybe the stars are now aligned in my favor. I think it was my daughter. I thank her. I love her. I’m proud of her. She’s mine.

This daughter of mine went with me to my first Clayconcert…..and she is definitely not a fan. (well no one is perfect….) We used to go on trips together before she got married and a lot of plays in NYC.



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This poem, written on her wedding day is one of my best, I think.





LARA ON THE LAWN

Like dried flowers between the pages of a book
She will press these hours into memory
To preserve them for as long as
Books continue to be read and
Love continues to blossom.


And this one I wrote twenty years ago.

MENOPAUSE AND PUBERTY

I know I lost my temper
I know I screamed at you
It’s so infuriating
The teen-aged things you do.

Such fierce antagonistas
At 40 and 14
Menopause and puberty
Revolt in every gene

But I have the advantage
I’ve been to both these lands
Remember adolescence
Remember all my plans

But that’s not such a credit
To see where I’ve come from
I know I’m not the woman
I wanted to become

Plans turn into frustrations
And this you’ll not believe
I know one compensation
In 30 years, you’ll be me
geni

She has a birthday this month and I want to get an early start …


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I love you, Mom