OSAGE MENACE CONTROL/TURTLE HABITAT UTILIZATION DEPARTMENT

ASPCA NOTICE: NO TURTLES WERE HARMED IN THE CREATION OF THIS BLOG

Here at beautiful Lake Oz, we have an insidious menace threatening our shores…..namely turtles. No not sea turtles, those notorious terrifying terrestrial tortoises. My versatile cocker spaniel, Tommy, has declared open season on these ferocious reptiles infesting our woods
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Here is Tommy in the official OMC/THUD vehicle – a recent purchase from the Russian Mafia (according to H2’s superior knowledge of the auto industry.)











In my last blog, I forgot to mention Tommy’s main occupation, which is serving as the Assistant to the Department Supervisor of OMC/THUD, namely me. Tommy’s job is to locate these menacing marauders, root them out of their perfidious hidden crannies, wrestle them to the ground, and scare the shit out of them.












A DEFEATED TURTLE SCREAMING FOR MERCY

First of all, I must confess that Tommy loves his work and absolutely loathes turtles. He thinks they are too dumb to live around civilized people, and also they are invading his territory. Tommy and I have decided that since turtles are the oldest living reptiles – older than snakes and lizards - 215 million years of evolution has rendered them essentially mindless shells with feet.

They journey through the woods and end up facing our fence and have no idea what to do next. Obviously they have no knowledge of left or right turns, let along U turns. So they just sit staring at the fence for hours, while Tommy, on the inside of the fence, loudly exhorts them to leave. Needless to say, the neighbors do not understand his rationale and phone me to do something about my noisy dog.

It does no good to just say “shoooo” to a turtle. Since my duty as Department Head of OMC/THUD is habitat relocations, I have to walk through the woods around the outside of the fence carrying a bottle of red fingernail polish to where this pea brained reptile is sitting in his shell (guess he doesn’t like the barking either) and carry it back down in the woods facing the opposite direction. Now you (and the neighbors) may ask, “Why are you carrying nail polish?”

To which I answer, “to paint the shell of the invader, naturally”. If the same one shows up at my fence again, he is soup.







TURTLE AFTER HABITAT RELOCATION

Now, if a tortoise is encountered on our daily outing, Tommy is on it in a New York minute. He looks like he’s playing soccer with the hapless creature. The way he bats the thing around perhaps he mistakes the shell markings for soccer ball hexagons. They are quite similar, ya know, and Tommy is a big fan of David Beckham. We’re so glad he and Victoria moved to the U.S. and now we have another vapid blonde to watch on the Insider…..Oh, wait, I digress…………


Davey does seem to have somethin goin for him…..but can he sing???



Clay content: I wonder if Clay might be interested in helping me set up a turtle sanctuary. After all, these helpless creatures need to included in conservation efforts just like the more gifted (and attractive) animals. He knows my number if he is interested.
it’s just me, geni